Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

No matter where in life I find myself,
The precipice is always there,
That edge in my periphery,
An unwanted emergency exit,
A demon in the wings,
A whispering envoy of the end,

The precipice stalks me,
It does,
If I were to continue the struggle,
Carry on my life as it could be,
Even upon the awards stage,
Accepting an accolade of merit,

The edge of the stage is merely a reminder,
Like each curb or step forward,
A way out I don’t want,
But a way out that follows me,
A cliff edge never letting up,
A siren song never letting up.

I’m often welcome at the table,
And though I’m grateful,
It feels like charity at times,
I’m a puzzle piece from a different set,
I’m but an observer,
In a seat off to the side,

I try to fit in,
Earn the seat,
But my jokes miss the mark,
My anecdotes breed awkward pauses,
My laughter is often ill-timed,
Would they notice my absence?

I have devils I keep muzzled,
Slavering cerberi and taunting minotaurs,
They whisper seductively,
And unerringly,
Babbling of insecurities my pals surely see,
And long walks off short piers,

You see,
I cherish every damned second,
But when the demons finally win,
And they may well do,
Will you notice my silence?
My empty chair?

I witnessed a car crash today,
Mangled dolls and all,
And I wished it was you,

I spectated a hanging yesterday,
For treasons against the crown,
And I wish it had been you,

This evening a newscast reported a suicide,
A terminal plummet off Dover,
And I wished it had been me,

Dear reader,
Don’t call the white coats,
These are just spiteful ideations,
Static within a ruffled mind,
A soundscape of my darker days,
It is fiction,
But it is hate,
Palpable,
Spite.

I pulled that cellophane over my head,
Covering my mouth and ears promised clarity,
A carrier bag emergency exit,
A suicidal aegis,
To drown out the voices,
Those noises of normal society,
To nullify their edges,
Their droll criticisms,
And as each breath was stolen in plastic,
As the clear veil grew foggy,
It was as if a great weight had dissipated,
Like oxygen leaving blue lips,
Normality could scold me no longer.

Under stormy skies,
My mind is an art gallery,
A museum of ideations,
An asylum of nightmares,
Portraits and landscapes aplenty,
Disparate images of chaotic vivacity,

The price of entry a forlorn spirit,
The exhibits are of heart-breaking intentions,
Fantasies scrawled in ink and charcoal,
Grisly outcomes and self-chastisement,
Brushstrokes wishing for things sour,
Held in frames specked in self-harm ruby,

It is a dark place,
A hell I keep under wraps,
A location best left locked,
But at times it trills out,
Calling to that theatre of suicides,
And impelling me to stay within its halls.

The world is a grim playground,
Innocence turned to horror,
Grainy like an old film,
Featuring a host of unknown actors,
A dusty piano whispers just offscreen,
The people let loose amidst the play equipment,

Not all are having fun though,
Some suffer scrapes and bruises,
Split lips and black eyes,
Screeching in childish fashions,
No children in this play pit though,
Just adults suffering among trifles,

The worlds greyscale toys are deadly,
Paper cuts on dollar bills,
Brain freeze from too many cold drinks,
Tantrums and scuffles,
Accidents in toy planes and cars,
No health and safety here,

It’s enough for anyone to take their ball and leave,
Seek a way out,
Jimmy hung himself on the swings,
Sandra overdosed on skittles on the astroturf,
Billy set up his slide way up high,
Lily drew lines with broken glass in the corner,

This glum park is the game of life,
It is not all fun and frolics,
Not everyone wins,
Yet play time is never over.

So I awake to the pain of the sun,
No reaper this time,
Not this time,
Another day,
Another dud,
Sleep was death without the commitment,
But I’m a dedicated soul,

So lets rise from this silk crypt,
The corpse rebels,
But enough straining gets it going,
Disquiet at the breakfast table,
A smoke or three,
Some whisky in my cornflakes,
The sun keeps burning,

Lets see what jokes god can pull today,
Daylight is oppressive now,
Longing for lightning or comet,
To the salt mine,
Got to win that cheese to prolong the punishment,
Hip flask break time,
Turn the spine and arms to putty,

Longing for my noncommittal death,
Yearning for my mausoleum,
Both tonight and at the finale.

I linger for now,
I don’t spy much of a future,
I want to die,
I’d rather be a pleasant memory,
Than a nothing of a man,

Life sucks,
But it’s not all bad,
Bring me a bottle of amber,
And i’ll live life for a day,
Like a twisted mayfly,

Maybe I ought to take a jolly leap,
I’m not afraid of the abyss,
Simply the void i’d leave,
For friends and family,
Lovers and enemies,

I want to die,
But i’ll continue to persist,
For the others,
For those who care.